Maltese Married Catholic Priest

Relationships

2008-11-09T00:03:00.000-08:00

In the convent I used to meet a lot of people. As a franciscan friar and because I had a social status in society, many people knew my name, maybe the way I deal with people, the way I used to preach etc.....

But how many people knew me well? How many people did I know really well? It's quite a small number......even though in church I used to talk with hundreds every Sunday.

Now having a family, especially three children and a wife, I realised that building up a relationship is quite handful task. In a family we don't meet simply because we need each other, like in church where people used to talk to me because of a wedding, a confirmation or for administering the sacrament of reconciliation!

We grow day by day. Sometimes we're watching TV and the young ones say something about the movie. We are surprised that they are learning very fast! Sometimes they used some expressions which were surely uttered at school. Our biggest son, Francesco speaks to us regularly. I notice the change in the character, tastes, wishes etc.....Well he's growing up! Sometimes he too gives us surprises in the sense that what he said just a few days ago has already changed!

Even my wife, she is a human being too. She changes too. She changes the way she handles our children. Our relationship grows and changes too.

It's another reason why I like married priesthood. In many parishes considering the population and the number of available priests, relationships are surely disappearing. People themselves simply look for a priest, just when the need arises!

In married priests' lives, they have a real taste of relationships. We notice changes in each other because we're a family! We stay close to each other even if we don't agree 100%. But that's the joy of a family, that there is always somebody who is going to support you in difficult times.

Being in the World

2008-09-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

I remember studying the document The Church in the world today (Gaudium et Spes). The idea was that the church looks at the world in a positive way instead of the usual condemnation!

Being a married priest in Malta, I lost all the protective layer I had earlier in convent. Now I had to deal with the usual tricks of normal business practise. I began to discover that the so-called christians did business in a very pagan way! I was surprised that the so called former friends were treating their co-workers very badly! They were so nice to me when I was in the parish!

One of them, as soon as he heard that the workers were trying to form part of a union, he immediately put all dirty tricks in order to persuade them not to! It was not simply hearing about others, I was experiencing them first hand too!

At work this summer I discovered what I've been suspecting, that a friend of mine was secretly talking badly about me behind my back. I simply couldn't imagine that this friend was behaving like a school boy!!

Another 'friend' made me work hard for him. But when it came to paying for what I had already done (months before), he came with all sorts of excuses..... He tried to made me understand that there was no need of bugging him about the pay. He'll pay me, maybe in the next year or in 2010!

Another one made me sign up a contract of work. He didn't keep up his word as he didn't give me enough work as obliged by the contract. Yet he doesn't hide his face. He keeps smiling. He keeps promising that one day more work will arrive. Obviously he never answers the question When?

There are cases when shopkeepers tend to excuse themselves when giving the wrong change (on the condition that the customer is aware of the mistake!), others make silly mistakes all the time when it comes to write down the correct price. Others tend to add invisible things to your list! Some make you pay simply because you put your feet in their shop!

There are many cases but I don't wish to annoy my readers. My final thought is that being a married catholic priest makes me more aware of the skilful robbers of today. Justice seemed not to belong any more to our dictionary! There is a lot of work to do in the pastoral field! The fact that I live in today's world makes me more available and understanding.

Conflict of characters and background

2008-05-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

Some of my readers have commented that maybe I always write positive things about married priesthood. Maybe they are right. I never intended to give a false image. I want to be sincere in my writings as otherwise they would lose all importance.

Well living with a woman, one usually understands that there are differences they way we see things and the way they see the same things. This is reflected in various aspects such as practical things: which colour one prefers for our son's room or what are we going to cook and other more important decisions such as looking after children or giving them a solid formation.

Comparing to what I have lived in the convent it was always very easy to discard other friars especially living in Rome where the community totalled 200!!! If one has a conflict just move on to something else....How could I do that now in a family of three?? (now it's five!!)

Sometimes I had to give a chance to somebody's else opinion. But bit by bit I learned that there are other ways of doing the same thing! It seems to be natural but it was not for me until living in a normal family. We had to face the consequences of our choices. We couldn't avoid each other for long. In the meantime in a family there are urgent matters all the time. We have to forget all our differences and walk together......

People started to notice that my homilies were more down to earth now. I could speak about conflicts with more confidence now!

Can I confess ?

2008-04-12T23:55:00.000-07:00

People who have left the church are not bad at all. Notwithstanding that they have not entered the church for quite a long time they still have religious feelings. They wish to come back to God. Even the official church says that everybody is welcome.

But in practical terms, not everybody is welcome! Why? Because if they are not married in the church than they cannot receive the sacraments, as if sleeping with someone is the biggest sin of them all. Well, the young people are facing enormous debts to build their first house. They are looking for something simple. The go to the bank and the realise that they have to make monthly payments for nearly all their life! Those selling houses are becoming really rich at the expense of the young. Yet when they go to church they can receive holy communion............

There is the one who murdered the father of the family. He left the wife and the children hopeless. He changed their lives forever. One can imagine the suffering in a 9 year old girl. How is one going to explain to her that her father is not coming home. Never. How is she going to face the death of her father ? Yet even a murderer, if he goes to confession, can receive holy communion!!!!!!
There are many more examples which the people in street feel that they are being cheated.

It is these questions which we need to address. But we cannot assume that they are going to accept any answer. That is the fact that unmarried priests seem to forget: one cannot feed people with cut and paste answers!

Are we sure that Christ would have asked if they slept together? What is the worst sin for Christ ? According to the gospel even meeting with the prostitute he never condemned except the very priests of the day because they had the feel good factor for themselves while they made it very difficult for others to enter the kingdom of heaven!! He called the priests (of his times) many harsh words.......He never used such terminology for the common man in the street!

That's why as married priests we accept all sorts of people. We feel that we are not judges but rather instruments of God to make it easier for people to meet Him. How can I refuse sacraments to a couple who have found love and are living peacefully while others who are in the business sector receive the sacraments freely?

So it's not surprising that speaking with people, at the end of the discussion they would ask me for confession. I will duly celebrate the sacrament (feast) of love by accepting them back in the church. Surprisingly the number of people who are not married or who have left the first marriage and found new love in Malta is rising at a steady rate. I know that such a large number of people cannot go wrong. They have the first right for a true loving life. You are all welcome!

What do you think.....?

2008-03-02T11:06:00.000-08:00

The privilege of living amongst the people is that sometimes they tell you in full trust: do you think that marriage is more difficult than the life in the monastery or convent ? And it's not only about this question but about many others....such as do you understand women more now ?

What makes me think is that the common people and the people governing the church live kilometres apart! The traditional priests still preach after reading books, the married priest has the daily living challenges to keep him on track!

Normal common people question a lot about the teaching of the church about many subjects such as contraceptives, divorce, cohabitation etc....What I find perplexing is that they have been bombarded with the same old view of the teaching of the church. When I start just giving them some information then they'll realise that before discussing or taking sides they have been already taken for a ride!! It's really disgusting that they picture divorce as if there is only one opinion from Jesus' lips and that's a no!!! Well there are many interpretations for that gospel. Marriage started many years (centuries actually) later and was not religious at all. The rich people had to make sure that all their property would stay in the family....

Who is going to give all this information to the people? The positive side is that the people don't take the clerics too seriously and that they decide silently in their hearts. Just looking at the consumption of contraceptives in Malta will prove this!

But I do think that the people need someone to show them that their choices are right after all. Because many people care about making choices according to some religious belief. We hope of starting fresh and honest discussions in our pastoral work.

Family Relationships

2007-12-29T21:02:00.000-08:00

Being the Reverend Father in the church makes a lot of things much easier. One has authority as soon as one speaks even though nowadays some priests are being criticized as well. People look for counselling or an authoritative opinion. But when the priest gets married the whole environment changes!

In a family, anybody can be challenged. Living 24/7 with others one cannot simply pretend to have the last and final word in many matters! Sometimes it's the wife or the son who doesn't agree. Obviously in the beginning it was hard for me to adjust to the new circumstances......

On the other hand I learned a lot of new stuff such as dealing with a normal boy when he stamps his feet down and says no! Other ways of reaching a decision...seeking to know about the other significant other's background......

Sometimes I had to admit that my ways of taking care of a child were not the best in the situation. Anyway, bit by bit I learned how to be in command by taking a lesser aggressive role. In the convent I had a room all by myself. I had my own private space and time. In the family, obviously most of these comforts disappeared. Yet obviously it was compensated by other gifts such as the joy of doing something together. I started a real and practical course in the We-ness ie. working together as a team and not a bunch of individuals!

In this sense I'm learning to celebrate Christmas in a new way. Seeing Jesus in a normal family who had normal tensions and opportunities.......I focused not only on baby jesus (nappies??) but as well when Jesus was an adult and was still living with his parents. How did he manage his priesthood with his family ties?

Xmas is coming......

2007-11-17T03:01:00.000-08:00

As in recent years, when big feasts are very near I always meet some new persons. People are looking for gifts. They are in a festive mood. But deep down they don't forget about the true feeling of Christmas.

They get to know that there is a married priest! Is it true? When they get to know that I do have a family with common problems, they come forward and ask me first for information. How did I decide, what made me change my mind, who proposed to start living together etc......Then they ask for more Information about my family, kids, school, work, sex etc....

Then they start to ask questions about the church.

They want to know more. They ask many questions. They are still not sure, although they readily accept this new reality. Finally they ask for sacraments. They feel at peace with a human church. It's what they were looking for in these last years...!!!

We don't rush as we don't wish to apply the sacraments blindly. As they did in the beginning of the church, they started catechesis first, sacraments came later. We always try to build the sense of the community. Together we can make it! We are a family. That's what the married priest is all about. It's not the good or famous priest anymore, but it's a whole family struggling together.

Surprises

2007-11-01T23:15:00.000-07:00

At first I thought I would be the only one to think of married priests. But when I had my first job after leaving the convent, there was a colleague who openly told me: "The present crisis in the church is it's own fault. It would be much better if we had married priests!" I never spoke to him about my life. I never showed him my CV. I never shared my religious experience. It's ok, maybe he must have heard through gossip about my past life. Yet I never spoke to him about married priesthood. I never encouraged anyone to embrace this principle, at least in the early years.

This was not the only occasion. In many many programs, I heard people coming forward and saying openly that we need married priests! No it wasn't my idea. It wasn't me who was applying pressure or evangelizing people!

This is what in theological jargon one calls it the work of the Holy Spirit who change people slowly, gently and in an incredible way. It's the same thing with peace movements: we had the church organizing crusades in the past, now we have realized that it was a folly.

Some friends would ask me directly if I would hear their confessions! If it's possible to continue hearing my homilies......and other things. What's so amazing is that it is the common people who have chosen this way. Maybe I was the last one to realize my new project in God's hands!!!

It doesn't mean that it was all rosy. Owing to the social context, I had some doubts about my work. But the book which is often quoted by the so called conservatives, paved the way. It is called the official law book of the church: Canon 843 for the people- "sacred ministers may not deny the sacraments to those who opportunely ask for them".

So in other words I couldn't say no to people who ask for spiritual food.......!!!!! I describe it as food because I don't agree that it is simply the administration of sacraments, as otherwise we could have some machines which automatically distribute sacraments!!!!

Meeting New People

2007-09-04T21:55:00.001-07:00

The fact that I was living as a normal human being, I was meeting a new set of people. They were speaking about many things without any kind of censorship. I was interested in the religious sphere.

Contrary to what I was taught at the theological faculty, many people who do not go to church have a good level of religious feelings, thoughts, prayers etc....They were looking for something that they did not find in the institutional church. Many of them were very free in their thoughts....Deep deep down they all wished to come back to church. Obviously there were problems to come back. They expected some changes in the church, which obviously they occur very slowly or maybe too late.........

I noticed that speaking with these people I was more at ease. I couldn't teach them the old way. They weren't afraid of hell ! But they couldn't take in any kind of brain washing in order to convince them of any religious thoughts.....

There were many places where to meet such places....but the traditional priests were busy in the temple with the selected few.....what a waste of time and energy I thought.........

Well I have a lot of work to do. I have to present a new way of communicating with God. I have to teach them a new way of praying, a new way of discussing religious issues, a new way of communicating and celebrating with God, a new way of fighting injustices....the list is infinite !!

One of my changes

2007-08-10T21:31:00.000-07:00

I was famous for my homilies (sermons). People used to compliment me for the way I used to deliver God's message. I was used in exposing the teaching of the church in a correct way. In other words, I was very good in repeating what I learned from my theological lecturers.

Now as a married man my priorities changed drastically. I had an adult relationship. I had a boy to take care of. I had to maintain my family. I had to look for all the needs of a house.

Looking at the way we spoke (as unmarried priests), we had in mind a different set of values. We preached, during most Sundays of the year, subjects which had nothing to do with today's problems. We were literally alienated by celebrating many feasts (very common in southern Europe). Most of them were unmarried! Even the choice of the biblical readings. I felt that there were many other reading more relevant for today's life. Yet, the liturgy seems to be the most alienating thing of them all! I remember that only once every three years we had a reading which mentioned marriage directly! And it was a reading from St. Paul! St. Paul has written many things which were conditioned by his culture so it wasn't all that edifying for the people of God!

Now I could speak more openly about married life. I comment on a recent event in my family and base the teaching on that occasion. I'm choosing many biblical reading which are left out from the official liturgy list! The choice of reading is not made on abstract theological principles but from the point of view of married people! Our criteria would be for example: communication, fidelity, love, understanding, encouraging, affection, working, sacrifice, respecting, growing up, challenges etc...in the choice of readings from the bible. We don't forget the newspaper neither. Daily national events concern us as well.

People now show more appreciation for liturgy as it is becoming a truly family celebration. Children are allowed with all their pranks, shouting, fists and mischievous looks!

The Vocation as a Married Catholic Priest

2007-06-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

The last thing a priest who has left the convent would like to hear is to exercise his ministry again! Like all other priests in transition, I felt really angry at the people of the church. Yet from day 1 I never wanted to vent my anger towards God. I wanted to continue celebrating mass every Sunday.

Consequently I realised that I was going to be a priest forever. Being married and having children does not diminish one's identity, contrary to some belief. Once a priest always a priest is theological and doctrinal correct statement! But another series of events helped me understand the vocation of married priesthood.

One was the webpage of rentapriest. It clearly showed the signs of the Holy Spirit today. Another sign was that some of the people who really knew my enthusiasm about the church continued to seek my spiritual support. Some of them asked me for the celebration of sacraments. The trust showed by some people helped me to instill in me the confidence to be proud as a married priest.

Another thing was my thinking about the church. It's very easy just to retreat from the battle and remain on the sidelines. What about the church. Shall I abandon the people? It's very easy and comfortable to be in one's comfort zone and stay there. In fact many many priests who left active priesthood do so. Well without judging them, I felt the urge to take a very uncommon road and start something new in Catholic Malta. As usual new religious ideas take time to be accepted, but in this case I met many people who see married priesthood as the next big step in the church in order to remain in touch with today's life. In fact in my first job outside the church, many people asked me if it's possible to see a new breath of fresh air in the church by allowing married priesthood. The time was ripe for married priesthood.

Our Son

2007-05-13T12:02:00.000-07:00

Accepting to live with a woman involves the offspring too. I accepted my wife together with her son - an 8 year old boy.

I had to practice a lot of psychology in order to begin a new relationship with him. All in all I was successful. Slowly, I started to realize that the mission of taking care of a son was a full time business.....I had to spend a lot of time playing in order to win his confidence. I learned to deal with young boys by real experience. When I looked back to my studies in the seminary, I realized that the books could never teach me what a real experience thought me!

I had to learn from scratch to be patient and to deliver information in a child's language......!! I had to accept mistakes by an 8 year old as normal. Obviously I was doing practical classes in many aspects. I thought about God. It's the same thing with Him. He is really patient with us. But he is always there. I had to be very strong for my child in all moments.

Living with a woman

2007-04-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

I still remember most of the talks we had whilst living in the seminary (training period for future priests), they dealt with how evil a woman can be!! And now I was living with a woman 24 hours a day. My life simply proved that their teaching never convinced me and that I took the bold decision to go against their teaching!

Obviously living with a woman is not simply for sex. I could have had sex whilst remaining a 'celibate priest' if I wanted to....but I wanted many other things and not simply sex.

It was the first time that I could have a deep relationship with a person. It was the first time that a person got interested in my life in a truly deep way and without expecting something in return. I felt responsible for another person too. We could talk about many things. We could do things our way. I was living with an adult person where we could share many common interests.

Looking for a job

2007-04-16T10:52:00.000-07:00

The main problem for a married priest would obviously be to have enough money for his newly formed couple or family. In Malta, one cannot support a family simply by working as a married priest. In my case I had to support Francesco. He was an eight year old bright boy.

Looking for opportunities in tiny Malta was never an easy job. But leaving the convent to become married to a women doesn't make things easy!

One encounters people who were used to see me as an unmarried priest. Not everybody was pleased that I made this decision. Others simply ignored me or played the role of reading a newspaper or walking quickly away......they couldn't handle my new situation. Others judged me. Some invented stories about my life...some of them were really creative!! But not all was black. Some of them admired my courage to make such a decision. Others told me: God needs you to a new mission by building a family. Some quickly questioned me: is family life easier or harder than that in a convent?

I got to know that to find a job I had to do it on my own. Nobody could find me a solution. But God's ways are unpredictable. All of a sudden, with the help of a friend of mine, I got my first job after six hard months. Thank God! I never really wanted to stay home doing nothing. Just for the records I sent more than 100 CVs. Just three of them replied....with the usual answer: we're sorry but at the moment we're not recruiting new people to our company.

On my CV I had to translate my working experience as an unmarried priest to the practical, financial world. I had to prove that I could work! I had to prove my talents to my future boss! In other words I had to start from scratch.

Adult to Adult Relationship

2007-04-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

In the parishes or convents he was used to see people simply for spiritual needs. Just for a few minutes or hours. He was the father who knew it all! At the same time he was used to be transferred from one place to another, just like a letter being sent from one place to another. In some cases the people know the local conditions better than the priest because the priest is just for a few years and then everybody expects him to get transferred.

Now he lives with a woman 24 hours a day. He is not the perfect man. His humanity is tangible. He makes mistakes. But this time, the married priest can have a healthy adult to adult relationship. He does not control everything. He exposes his defects and what hurts him. He speaks about why he is afraid of....or why he is unsure about... He is transparent. But he is living a normal life like everybody else!

Leading a normal life

2007-03-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

Living in the convent or in the parish building makes one live a superficial life. Everyone helps the 'father'. The father does not have to wash his clothes or do ironing, he doesn't have to pay for his pizza......He is very well protected and having a sustainable comfort zone!

Going into the world makes the priest register for work! He is for the first time unemployed. He has to look for opportunities. Nobody will guarantee anything....even to have enough money to buy for food........No securities. He is living a normal life for the first time. No comfort zones.